If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
my retirement plan is braless
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Do not levitate over flowers
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.