Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

That took me a moment.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

It’s on my to-do list.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*