Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.