If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
i’m sure it’s fine
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.