If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You Might Also Like
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
So inspired right now.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!