If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’