If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
sailors wish they could swear like me
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.