If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.