If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
guys I’m going home
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
saving face 👀
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To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Monday
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HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry