If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
When he asks for feet pics
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
lost dog
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall