Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

Me too, bag. Me too….

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???