If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Not today.. 😂
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit