If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Breakfast for Stoners:
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
FINE, I WON’T.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men