If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Wednesday
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
you’re so productive for your wage
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has