If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Would you wear it?
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.