Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

Seems a bit forward

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

catch me on valentine’s day like

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly