If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Meow?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Oh we’ve met.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not