Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

🤭😂

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.