Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS