Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

Sign of the day..

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable