Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

My circle of trust is a meatball

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.