Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

what kind of cook setting is this??

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

happy valentine’s day to me

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.