Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic