if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
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SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”