Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

Me trying to reach for my goals

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker