If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My dog learned how to text
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.