If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
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Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness