Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

This story is comedy gold 😂

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.