Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne