Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

Mike is short for Micycle

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

I hope it’s French Onion!

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

How do I get a job writing these texts

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.