Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store

ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month