Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.