Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.