If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.