If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Education is vital
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.