Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy