If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”