If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
X-tra spooky blend
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.