If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them