Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*