If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
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Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I can’t be the only one 😂
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes