If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
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“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.