if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon