Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.