Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Hot hot hot 🥵

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone