If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
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*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Pot warmers of the day.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Oh hi lol
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Ha.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women