Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

Note to self: I am a note

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

Me trying to reach for my goals

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there