If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
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If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more