If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
You Might Also Like
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor