If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.