Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

Lol #dogsoftwitter

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.