If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
That’s not how days work.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.