If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it