If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!