If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.