If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.