If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”