Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

#CatsOnTwitter

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

HERE’S MARKY

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Thoughts

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.