If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle