If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.