If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Are you ok, human???
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.