Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

our love story in four pictures

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale