If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
