If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not