If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night