If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
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*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.