Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Leaving the Barbers like

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot