if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
The Friday File.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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