if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Tremendous stuff
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.