if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
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gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.