If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
me before I type out affect or effect
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.