I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Worth the read.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.