If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*