If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
It’s that simple 👊🏻
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
