If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
i think both sides are to blame here
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Watson was Holmes schooled
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
