Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.