If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
🤣
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.