If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.