Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.

At least, I think it went south.