Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

me:lmao I saw it on Twitter

them: what’s your Twitter

me: I don’t have Twitter

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.